Its true, this is the last time I get on this site. This is the last time I choose to open up to people for as this blog ends, I will retreat to autism and I will forever live a solitary life.
All I have to write is, I lost everything. Everything. No more trying to be happy. All I am now is a time ticking bomb to self destruction. I wont be the same. Its over. Now watch me just become another bad memory to be forgotten. I have tried….. Good bye.
I just woke up. Had myself a morning cigarette and a cup of lemon tea. Now im just sitting down on my couch and wondering how the day will turn out to be. Currently I have nothing planned. I’m sick but last night a took nyquil and I woke up fine this morning. No congestion. I still feel weak though. Days keep passing by and the stress is starting to wash away. I’ve been studying economics lately for no reason. But somehow I want to invent a new economic theory on the terms of true communism. But I dont see that happening anytime soon. Lets see what else… Not much to right about right now for the day just started. Oh…it turns out im not going to see Caspa afterall on august 10th. Something about him breaking his feet or someshit. Ah…well, theres always that one big rave festival on august 20 something. Um….I have a writers block at the moment. dont even know why I bothered writing.
Here I am. Its august 6 8:04 PM and I am already on the verge of being a “drunk”. I’m not sure If I should even be writing anything but here we go. I said I was gonna quit drinking, and theirs a beer in my hand. I can never keep my word that I’m going to keep away from a certain drug. I always end up doing it anyways…. Maybe its because I can still do it. Maybe its that option that always brings it back to me. Or maybe I’m just a sullen young man who doesn’t resolve to better himself in anyway. A past lover of mine accused me of being happy when I’m miserable. I can say that is true to all extent. I bring things upon myself and I cry when I suffer…and I keep crying. I keep being the miserable piece of shit that I am. I deserve to suffer I think. I dont think I deserve to be happy one bit. I treat the people I care about with disrespect and unworthiness to be in my life…which is me who should be the one whos unworthy for their lifes. Yes, I changed alot since I lost the love of my life. I vowed myself that I will bring about a better person of myself to prove to everyone that I am not just a miserable failure. But my love was right when she said I rather take the minimum of what I can get rather than the most of what I can get. Shes right. Right about everything about me. I’m stupid. I lost everything that could have gone my way. Now that I dont want to settle for less, I have to accept it anyways because I lost everything now. Every. Single. Thing. I realized that I’m not going to get her back. Possibly I can if I try really hard, but hows that gonna look to everyone? I cant change what I did in the past. I’m still ruthless and an asshole to everyone else. I wish I go back then and change everything. But I cant. I dont know. Im just really self-conscious that I dont deserve to be in her or anyones life. Honestly, in all honesty, I dont want to live another day like this. Shes probably laughing at me. Shes having the last laugh in the end while she knows I am here silently becoming a ticking bomb to my own destruction. I find it cruel. Very cruel indeed. But who am I to say what cruel is. Shit…I give everybody my slight cruel nature and everyone considers me the lord of assholes. I can never fully show somebody how bad I can be. I can be hundreds and thousands times worse but i refuse to let it out. People, no matter how bad they are, dont deserve any of that. I personally believe people should have redemption. To better oneself. But now I’m starting to think otherwise. If people dont take that chance, why bother….it will be the same shit every time. Fuck me, I’m ranting again. Haha, and even worse, Im drunk. Fuck it..I doubt anyone would be reading this. I still search for a reason why I am the way I am. I know theirs a piece of the puzzle missing. I cant fucking find it. I’m frustrated. What made me into this person I didnt want to be? What forced a change from my teenage not giving a fuck stage to a stage where I’m just fucking depressed and unsatisfied with the things I do or say. I want to get back into meditating. Into painting…drawing…writing…studying. I was happier back then I think? I wanted to know everything of everything and now all I want is just to sulk in a little brown bottle and burn a few dollars on the luxury of smokes. I retraced my life, from what I remember, and I cant see where everything went wrong. I was peaking to the highlight of my young teenage life and then poof. Back to the beginning. I know how to take care of myself and be responsible, dont get me wrong. But this is something far more cryptic for me to handle alone. I just want to seek guidance from my old counselor, my true friends, and perhaps even a lover. But I cant have either one of them. I have no counselor, no true friends, no lover. Just by myself and it feels miserable to be this exhausted of everything. What this blog was for was just to keep my emotions in place. I just wanted to say that changing myself wasnt a big help to what I want answered. Sure…lifes a bit more bearable now. No longer am I comtemplating suicide or treating others like shit anymore. Sure, I’m more responsible and I have things to worry about now but it did nothing to cure what I want cured. I’m still pretty depressed and I’m still seeking for the answer I need.
Its funny. I know the artwork so well that I no longer weep anymore. I no longer have the desire to stand up and defend what needs to be defended….or in a better sense, what doesnt deserve to be defended. No longer shall I dance in a circle of leaves or play the harp with the lonely snow. To be honest, life is good. Better than ever. I can do the same things without being misunderstood. I have no one to judge me. No one to care. I have no one to believe in me, so I live for no one anymore. Its funny how I thought one day I would find the answer to the quest of love that I so desperately wanted. I’m not even sure if I want to know the answer. No one is ever going to understand me. No one is ever going to care for me. And I know for sure that no one is ever going to love me. No one has, and no one will ever love me. So with this, I end my quest to search for the myth we call, “Love”. All along, I was stupid in hoping a certain person will give me that answer. All along I was so desperate for a lie to be told to me in the very end. You win. I lose. I, with remorse, dont care. So what now can I live for? Bitches, money, weed? Nahhhh, I’m too good for that. I aint a silly fucking kid anymore. I have worries now. College is starting. I’m getting a job. Going to buy a motorcycle. Maybe a used car. Everything is going pretty damn awesome. Two days ago, I got my Marine discharge papers in which I regret not leaving. NOTE TO SELF: DONT EVER GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS FOR SOMETHING THAT WONT BE AROUND FOREVER. I might be moving out of town by the end of this year. San Diego perhaps. Somewhere on the pacific, thats for sure. Or I can take a vacation and go somewhere I always wanted to go. Goa, India? I dont know. Ah, I cant plan the future. Nothing will as planned anyways. Why the fuck am I ranting right now? As for now, I end this blog with the thought that only you yourself can make yourself and others happy. Don’t depend on others.
